Die To Yourself And Rest In Him.

I was running as hard as I can.

Sweat all over me.

“I can’t stop” I think.

“I have to keep running”

My muscles are sore, my legs feels like it’s almost broken.

And suddenly I fell down on my face.

“NO!” I screamed, I have to start to run again.

I stood up and started to run again.

“See, Father.. I can, I can do this. I am running this race for you”

And then I fell again.. I stood up again and fell again until all my body cannot take it anymore.

I was laying on the race track when I saw Him there sitting down next to me.

“You’re tired” He said.

“I can do this, Father. I will stand up again. I will keep running” I said.

He smiled. He helped me to move a little bit and put my head on His lap.

“It’s okay” He brushed my hair with His hand.

I started to cry. I cried and cried, “I am sorry I can’t continue to run”

“My whole body is aching. My legs cannot move. I am trying, Father.. But I can’t”

He looked at my eyes, “Why are you doing this?”

“I.. I do this for You. I run for You..”

He smiled, “Beloved, I know you’re tired. Take a rest. Here with Me”

“I created you for Me, not for the running track.” He hold my hands “And when you’re tired, I am here to give you rest. You don’t have to try to get to all the finish lines, I am the finish line. I know what you've been doing, there is nothing hidden from My eyes. And I am with you. Remember that, I am with you no matter what.”

He kissed my forehead and in sudden my whole body healed.

He wiped all the tears, helped me to stand up again and hold my hand very tight.

“Let us start this journey again. We’ll take a rest when we need it. We will stand, walk, run and fly together.” He looked at me, “Look at Me, I am the finish line so you don’t have to run for me because I am running with you.”

I need to look back to my old posts more often, because it encourages me and it reminds me where I was and where I am at now. I wrote Stop Playing That-I-Am-Strong-Enough Game sometime in March this year and I barely look at it anymore since. But tonight I opened it again and read it again. Above; I copy-paste some part of that post, part that really speaks to me.

I realized that I am playing that "strong enough" game again lately. Keep telling God that I can make it, I know what I am doing and I am strong enough to make it. But then BAAM! I hit the ground, I am exhausted body and soul.

Jesus says, "Come here, come to Me and rest. My yoke is easy and My burden is light. You are safe here."
My stubborn self says, "No God, I can handle this. I can do this. I am running this race for You and I will win!"

That same old sentence, "I am running this race for You and I will win." But then I came to realized that I am a winner already. I am running this race with God, and when God told me to rest and enjoy the day with Him then I should really listen to Him and obey.

I have heard people telling me and the world that everything has price and we have to work on our salvation so that we can go to heaven and that's why most Christians are busy working their way to get to heaven. But then I came to realized that heaven is here right now. If I am working on my salvation so that I can go to heaven then I am doing it for the sake of my own goodness and then feel exhausted later. Jesus is the way, Jesus is the finish line, Jesus is heaven for me. Then it means I better work on my attitude to be more like Jesus and bring heaven to this earth. And if I am able to do it because of the love of Jesus is overflowing in my life then to love others won't be that hard.

I really need to die to myself more. I really need to stop thinking about myself. I really need to stop saying for the sake of the race I have to win. I actually really need to shut up and let the God speak more into my life.

I need to die to myself and rest in Him.

2012 has been a pretty challenging year for me. God has taking me to places I have never think about and teaching me things that I never know before. But the process is not as pretty as the sentence. The process (which I am still in it right now) is beyond painful, and now I realized when I pretend that I can handle it on my own that is the time when I actually need God the most.

Okay, this the list or the result of "I can do it--I can handle it": I only slept for 3 hours a day for the last 3 months, I barely talk with my brother because I am to busy, I have too many tasks and I only have 2 hands, I don't really play with my dog anymore, I have that black circle under my eyes, I struggle to love my team equally, I am under pressured, I am stressed, and lots more.

I made that list  1 week ago and realized that there's no sign of a Godly woman in that list.

I really need to die to myself and rest in Him! Stop thinking that I can do all things. Because I am not doing it through Christ who strengthen me but I am doing it only with my own strength.

Yes, I am living and doing His calling in my life. He called me and I listen and obey. But then I did it in my way not in His way. I used my strength not His strength. I depended on my limited brain not on His amazing wisdom.

Some of you probably already know that right now I am leading and pioneering a business as mission project in one restricted country. My team and I are not there yet, but right now we are working our way to get there. There are so many big things and small things that needs to be done. I have to work on all details and basically everything. There are so many things that I need to think and work and watch and pray about; team growth in each other and spiritual growth, unity, all the legal stuff for the project, and learning to be a good servant-hearted leader. And those things are almost impossible to do if I only do it with my own strength. Not to mention that each members of the team includes me are all now living by faith, trusting God that He will provide for everything that we need even our daily needs. As a human, I admit it: it is hard! But then I am still here.. It's all because of His grace.

I made a decision that I want to continue the process of die to myself again. Letting God to throw away all the branches in me that doesn't bear fruit. Allowing God to mold me and processing me into the woman He wants me to be. I know that the process will be beyond painful, but I also know that it is worth it.

Just today I tried to explain to one of my team members how does the "die to self" process goes.. I used the same story just like in the bible. I asked him to think that he is tree and God is now taking away all of his branches that does not bear fruit. I asked him to imagine the painful process of taking away the branches, probably it's like letting God taking away his hand or leg or ears. I also asked him to think about himself as a clay. The molding and burning process are not fun at all, again it is beyond painful. But the result of that is BEAUTY.. it's all worth it.

And after all of that process.. let us now rest.. rest in Him. Knowing that He is the finish line so that we don't need to run before or after Him trying to catch things with our own strength.

“Let us start this journey again. We’ll take a rest when we need it. We will stand, walk, run and fly together.” He looked at me, “Look at Me, I am the finish line so you don’t have to run for me because I am running with you.”

We’ll take a rest when we need it. We will stand, walk, run and fly together.

We are doing it together with Him. And with Him we will bring the Kingdom of heaven into the earth. How beautiful it is :)