I can't. God can.

For whatever you are going through today, whatever makes you say "I can't ________."

Know that you are right. You can't.

There is no solution, no formula, no magic number or word or "thing" that can move you from "I can't" to "I can and I did... now look how far I've come."

And yet we all know someone who did. We do know someone who is abundantly full of life after a very messed up life. We do know someone who is sober for 5 years. We do know someone who paid rent last month when it wasn't possible. We do know someone who made it through a break-up worse than this one and is now in the best place of her life. We do know someone who is divorced and still fulfilled in their single life. We do know someone who has overcome severe depression and extreme grief, and now knows joy and contentment and peace.

So what happened? What happened when "they couldn't ______."

Christ moved.

These are not physical battles against our bodies, our beauty, our eyes, our skin, our genitals, our brain, our blood-pumping hearts. These are battles of the soul, where an enemy is daily waging war against our value, our peace, our worth, our contentment, our comfort, our belonging, our love and our LIFE.

What you don't need is world-acknowledgement that you are the most beautiful woman/man on the earth.

What you don't need is one more person telling you to just be happy because you have a pretty good life and you should be ashamed of your unwarranted depression.

What you don't need is all the worldview of how you should live your life according to their standard.

 

You need the heart-belief that you are created to be beautiful and have inherent value despite what just-as-broken people may tell you.

You need the heart-belief that you are not alone and that you are deeply truly loved, and that your Father is proud that you are His child, despite how it feels.

You need the heart-belief that your Father has the best plan for your life and He is truly madly in love with you.

You need the heart-belief that your spirit was covered in dirt and pain before Christ Himself fought the greatest war of all time to present your spirit before God as pure, complete and wholly loved. And that God will never see you as anything other and pure and valuable. He will wait for you.

This is not a physical war, there is no physical solution. This is a war for your heart, because there is nothing in all of existence that is more valuable to God that the heart of a man and woman. This is a war that we cannot win unless we let Jesus fight it for us.

I was the girl who couldn't stop sleeping with her boyfriend. I was the girl in the ER having a panic attack that she couldn't control. I was the girl who thought the earth would swallow me up because the break-up was too painful. I was the girl who tried to kill herself again and again. I was the girl who couldn't get out of bed and was numb from the anti-depressants. I was the girl who lost almost everything and could not see a future for myself because the grief was too heavy.

I was the girl who couldn't

And I am the girl that learned that Jesus could.

Take the first step in Faith!

Martin Luther King Jr says:

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."

It is only in our walking out in faith and walking out step by step, that the path of God will open ahead of us, and will be revealed to us, line upon line. Start walking put in faith step by step, and a path will open unto you! The path of God will definitely open unto you. That is how God leads us, line upon line. And only if we step out in FAITH.

I remember just last week-before I start my trip down to Indonesia. All I have is $5, even until the day that I should leave. I left Chiang Rai with nothing at all. On the bus on the way to Bangkok I was praying, weeping, sobbing, crying out to God asking Him to help me. All the thoughts running around my head:

"How can I do this, God?"

"How can I continue this travel?"
"How bout my visa?"

"HELP ME!"

I think I fell asleep crying and the next time I know I arrived in Bangkok at 4.30 am. I sat down at the bus terminal don't know how to go that early morning. Thank God that I have Toto with me. Together we prayed and asked God to help us and declaring that by faith He will provide in His perfect timing. We slept at the bus terminal until 8 am in the morning. Just right after we woke up, Toto got a phone call from His family telling him that they sent him some money. And that just enough money for us to continue our trip. We left the bus terminal and went to the place where we stayed for 2 days.

I remember again that night I was praying so hard until I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning and checked my email and I found out that I got $1,060 donation last night. I was so shocked, shaking, crying, jumping and dancing at the same time. Praising God for His faithfulness. And about an hour or so after that another $100 coming. I can't say thank you enough to God. Again that day He showed me that He is in control and will always be with me.

And now here I am in Jakarta, preparing myself for the applying visa process. The journey is not finish yet. There are still lots of needs, financially and spiritually. I need lots of prayers, a lot of it.

He said to me, "Step out and walk, and walk in faith and a path will open unto you." God further revealed to me that just like the Israelites when they crossed the Red Sea, the Red Sea was not opened all the way to the bank on the other side. Again He said to me, "The Red Sea only opens up as they walk out in faith. As they walk out and in faith, the Red Sea begins to open, just a few steps ahead of them. The Red Sea was not opened all the way to the other bank, but only as they walked out in faith, step by step, the path to the other bank will begin to open unto them."

Just last night I was sitting down with my mom, we were talking about faith. We know that God is always faithful, but us as a human; or in this particular conversation with my mom I said that me as a human is easy for me to say faith faith faith. But again and again God put me in the situation where I have nothing but faith and to be honest, it is hard. It is hard to sit and be still and wait. It is written "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) I think I can say that it is one of the most famous verse. And I have this thought in my mind that the more famous the verse, the harder it is to live it out. It is true though.

My mom asked me if I already have all the money that I need, and I said no. She then asked me where the rest of the money will come from, and I said from God. And it is true, because I have no idea where the money will come from except from God.

I took my first step. I stepped out and walk--walk in faith. The further I go, the smaller the path or even sometimes I cannot see the path. But I know somehow deep inside my heart that He is working even though I cannot see Him, He is opening the way, preparing the way and He's watching every step that I take and He knows it's not easy for me. And I know that He's here, He's there, He's everywhere around me.

And in this midst of everything, I love to read and meditate on the story of Jesus walking on the water. For me, it is an awesome reminder of Christ's power. It is also a very convicting story when I stop and think about Peter's response.

Like the other eleven apostles, Peter could have chosen  to remain in the boat. Even though the wind and the waves were against the boat, the boat was still the safest place to be. And yet, Jesus stood outside the boat, on the waves. Peter's heart yearned to be near to the Lord as he asked Jesus, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." After receiving Christ's invitation, Peter stepped out, and became the only other man recorded in Scripture to walk on the water.

There are many times in my life when I feel like things are against me. I do not feel like I am moving forward; in fact, I'm fighting just to stand my ground. I feel distant from God, knowing He hasn't forsaken me, but feeling that He is not as near as I'd like. In times like these, it is an encouragement to remember Peter... He was willing to step out alone in faith to be closer to Jesus. He was willing to leave the limited protection of the boat to step out further into the storm, since that is where the Lord was standing. And, what is more, he stepped out alone, leaving the rest of the apostles in the boat

Can you imagine how it feels? When he took the first step out of the boat; fear, doubt, nervous but above all of that he is yearned to be closer to the Lord.

And that's what I want with my life. To always step out from the boat--from my comfort zone to be closer to my Father. I don't say that we can't feel Him in normal life, but at least for me I have to step out in faith to get to know Him more and more. And I know He won't let me drown.

I know, we know, that we cannot make Him love us less or more. He loves each one of us with every bit of love that He has. But I do believe that we can please Him, we can make His heart beats faster, we can make Him smile with the things that we do to/for Him.

And now I am standing here waiting in awe, knowing that He is God that is in control for all situations. I know that He will provide the rest of the money that I need in time, I know that He will help me to get the visa, I know that He will give me wisdom and knowledge to study His Words, I know that He will take care of me and my family.

And I know that during this walking-waiting in faith, He is cheering me to not give up--no matter what.
Like He says in Isaiah 43:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."


"You are precious and honored in My sight, and because I love you.. Do not be afraid, for I am with you"

Yes, He is with me.. He is with you.. He is with us..

No matter what our situation is.. Financial, family, work, study, health, you name it... He is with us.

"The Lord you God is in your midst, a mighty One who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quite you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing."

I will leave you today with this wonderful video. 

May God bless you all and may your faith will continue growing as you take the step of faith with Him. Go, walk on the water!

$5

Here I am sitting in my room, thinking. I don’t even know what I’m thinking about, too many.

“I should start to pack..”

“I don’t know where to start..”

“I am leaving soon, 2 days left..”

“O dear I don’t have money for this trip..”

“What can I do with only less than $5? I am screwed!”

“I am a bit lonely…”

“Will God provides?”

And on and on and on…

All the mix emotions and feelings. I wish I can cry, o wait I’ve been crying for so many times. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling up and down lately. I know that God wanted me to do this SBS, but everything seems so hard. One day I feel so confidence about everything, the next day I feel so depressed. Again and again I’m struggling with lies and deception and I don’t know why this feeling of nervousness and worries always here. But I trust Him, above all.

Two days before I leave. I’ve been doing this counting down since the last 15 days. It doesn’t help, it just makes me more sad. And this upcoming trip/journey, I don’t know what to call it; faith journey or crazy journey or exciting journey? I don’t know. One thing that I know it is successfully makes my heart jumping around.

I am going back home to Indonesia and my purpose is to apply US visa. Talk about applying US visa, complicated! So many documents, so much money to spend.

Since the beginning it’s been a step of faith. I’ve needed so much money since I decided to obey God and do my SBS in Kona, Hawaii. It’s not cheap, it’s extremely expensive. So many people asked me why, why I chose Kona, it’s expensive. My answers still the same until today. I did not choose it; God chose that place for me. And I know I can’t afford it, but I know God can. It is not my bill, its God’s bill.

But I realized that it is easy to say “by faith by faith by faith..!”, but to live it is not as easy as saying it. Yes, it’s not easy at all.

Right now 2 days before I leave Chiang Rai, only $5 left in my pocket, nothing in my bank account, no credit card. How can I do this? I actually don’t know. I will leave by bus to Bangkok and have to wait in Bangkok and then fly to Singapore and have 15 hours lay over there and then finally fly to Jakarta. It’s a long journey and I don’t know how this $5 can survive for the entire trip. And as soon as I arrive in Jakarta, I have to apply my visa. And again I don’t think that $5 will be enough, and maybe by that time that $5 already gone.

I’ve been praying, writing newsletter, sharing the needs to others, crying to God, praying, praying and praying. And right now I don’t know what else to do. It is scary, extremely scary.

I’ve been telling myself that God will provide. I’ve been hoping somehow during the day the money will come miraculously. But still nothing, until this very minute.

 But there’s nothing else that I can do besides praising Him. Believe that He is in control.

I do believe that He watches me even at this very minute right now as I’m writing this blog. He knows all my worries. And I do believe that He wipes all the tears that fall from my eyes.

I can’t afford all the thousands of dollars that I need for my school. But I know He can, He’s able and He will provide. Yes, I know that deep down in my heart. I don’t know how, though.

Just this morning I had this little conversation with Him.

“I don’t know, God. I really don’t know how to keep move on with all this plan of me going to Kona. I feel like I want to give up.”

“Will it comfort you if I say I know? In fact I truly know. Stop carrying all this needs and pressure by yourself. How many times I have to say that I am with you? But I don’t care if I said it million times already, I will keep saying it: I am with you. Don’t give up, we’re almost there.”

“I am tired of this “asking” money thingy. I do feel like that. I am leaving and all I have is $5.”

“You’re not asking for money. You’re not asking their money. It’s not their money; it is My money that they have. I will bless those who bless you.”

“I know, but some of them probably don’t know about it.”

“Well then, it’s not about them. It’s about Me. I, not them, will provide for you. I, not them, will bless you. I, not them, will work in and through you. You need to understand that. I am more than able to change that $5 that you have into 500, 5000, 500000 or even more. Trust Me. I know it’s not easy, it will never be easy. I never promise you an easy life, right?! Trust Me, My love. We can do it, we can make it.”

“I trust You.”

“Then let Me handle everything. All you need to do now is be still and see Me working through all of your circumstances. Again I tell you, I know where we’re going and I know how to get there. This is not your journey nor My journey, this is our journey. I know all of your dream, but I dream a better dream for us. Me and you together, we can make it.”

I love Him. I do love Him. I love the way He use “we” instead of keep saying “I”, “Me”, or “you”. I love it when He said “this is our journey”. Honestly, most of the time I always think that this is my journey with the help of God. But actually it’s not like that. This is me and God’s journey, together.

And He knows all the needs. He knows the entire situation. He knows all the problems. And the best thing about it is that He knows the way out. He is able to solve all the problems. And He will.

I feel so small every time I worried about money and other things. It is always easy to trust God if we talk about $10 or $100. But our God is not that small. And I have to understand that with all of my heart. He can easily provide $10,000 or even more. But will we trust Him when the due time comes? Will we keep holding on and believe that He will do it? Will we? Will I?

I will. Even though there will be a day that I feel worry and nervous, I will always choose to believe in Him.

And for now, I will be still and know that He is God.