Die To Yourself And Rest In Him.

I was running as hard as I can.

Sweat all over me.

“I can’t stop” I think.

“I have to keep running”

My muscles are sore, my legs feels like it’s almost broken.

And suddenly I fell down on my face.

“NO!” I screamed, I have to start to run again.

I stood up and started to run again.

“See, Father.. I can, I can do this. I am running this race for you”

And then I fell again.. I stood up again and fell again until all my body cannot take it anymore.

I was laying on the race track when I saw Him there sitting down next to me.

“You’re tired” He said.

“I can do this, Father. I will stand up again. I will keep running” I said.

He smiled. He helped me to move a little bit and put my head on His lap.

“It’s okay” He brushed my hair with His hand.

I started to cry. I cried and cried, “I am sorry I can’t continue to run”

“My whole body is aching. My legs cannot move. I am trying, Father.. But I can’t”

He looked at my eyes, “Why are you doing this?”

“I.. I do this for You. I run for You..”

He smiled, “Beloved, I know you’re tired. Take a rest. Here with Me”

“I created you for Me, not for the running track.” He hold my hands “And when you’re tired, I am here to give you rest. You don’t have to try to get to all the finish lines, I am the finish line. I know what you've been doing, there is nothing hidden from My eyes. And I am with you. Remember that, I am with you no matter what.”

He kissed my forehead and in sudden my whole body healed.

He wiped all the tears, helped me to stand up again and hold my hand very tight.

“Let us start this journey again. We’ll take a rest when we need it. We will stand, walk, run and fly together.” He looked at me, “Look at Me, I am the finish line so you don’t have to run for me because I am running with you.”

I need to look back to my old posts more often, because it encourages me and it reminds me where I was and where I am at now. I wrote Stop Playing That-I-Am-Strong-Enough Game sometime in March this year and I barely look at it anymore since. But tonight I opened it again and read it again. Above; I copy-paste some part of that post, part that really speaks to me.

I realized that I am playing that "strong enough" game again lately. Keep telling God that I can make it, I know what I am doing and I am strong enough to make it. But then BAAM! I hit the ground, I am exhausted body and soul.

Jesus says, "Come here, come to Me and rest. My yoke is easy and My burden is light. You are safe here."
My stubborn self says, "No God, I can handle this. I can do this. I am running this race for You and I will win!"

That same old sentence, "I am running this race for You and I will win." But then I came to realized that I am a winner already. I am running this race with God, and when God told me to rest and enjoy the day with Him then I should really listen to Him and obey.

I have heard people telling me and the world that everything has price and we have to work on our salvation so that we can go to heaven and that's why most Christians are busy working their way to get to heaven. But then I came to realized that heaven is here right now. If I am working on my salvation so that I can go to heaven then I am doing it for the sake of my own goodness and then feel exhausted later. Jesus is the way, Jesus is the finish line, Jesus is heaven for me. Then it means I better work on my attitude to be more like Jesus and bring heaven to this earth. And if I am able to do it because of the love of Jesus is overflowing in my life then to love others won't be that hard.

I really need to die to myself more. I really need to stop thinking about myself. I really need to stop saying for the sake of the race I have to win. I actually really need to shut up and let the God speak more into my life.

I need to die to myself and rest in Him.

2012 has been a pretty challenging year for me. God has taking me to places I have never think about and teaching me things that I never know before. But the process is not as pretty as the sentence. The process (which I am still in it right now) is beyond painful, and now I realized when I pretend that I can handle it on my own that is the time when I actually need God the most.

Okay, this the list or the result of "I can do it--I can handle it": I only slept for 3 hours a day for the last 3 months, I barely talk with my brother because I am to busy, I have too many tasks and I only have 2 hands, I don't really play with my dog anymore, I have that black circle under my eyes, I struggle to love my team equally, I am under pressured, I am stressed, and lots more.

I made that list  1 week ago and realized that there's no sign of a Godly woman in that list.

I really need to die to myself and rest in Him! Stop thinking that I can do all things. Because I am not doing it through Christ who strengthen me but I am doing it only with my own strength.

Yes, I am living and doing His calling in my life. He called me and I listen and obey. But then I did it in my way not in His way. I used my strength not His strength. I depended on my limited brain not on His amazing wisdom.

Some of you probably already know that right now I am leading and pioneering a business as mission project in one restricted country. My team and I are not there yet, but right now we are working our way to get there. There are so many big things and small things that needs to be done. I have to work on all details and basically everything. There are so many things that I need to think and work and watch and pray about; team growth in each other and spiritual growth, unity, all the legal stuff for the project, and learning to be a good servant-hearted leader. And those things are almost impossible to do if I only do it with my own strength. Not to mention that each members of the team includes me are all now living by faith, trusting God that He will provide for everything that we need even our daily needs. As a human, I admit it: it is hard! But then I am still here.. It's all because of His grace.

I made a decision that I want to continue the process of die to myself again. Letting God to throw away all the branches in me that doesn't bear fruit. Allowing God to mold me and processing me into the woman He wants me to be. I know that the process will be beyond painful, but I also know that it is worth it.

Just today I tried to explain to one of my team members how does the "die to self" process goes.. I used the same story just like in the bible. I asked him to think that he is tree and God is now taking away all of his branches that does not bear fruit. I asked him to imagine the painful process of taking away the branches, probably it's like letting God taking away his hand or leg or ears. I also asked him to think about himself as a clay. The molding and burning process are not fun at all, again it is beyond painful. But the result of that is BEAUTY.. it's all worth it.

And after all of that process.. let us now rest.. rest in Him. Knowing that He is the finish line so that we don't need to run before or after Him trying to catch things with our own strength.

“Let us start this journey again. We’ll take a rest when we need it. We will stand, walk, run and fly together.” He looked at me, “Look at Me, I am the finish line so you don’t have to run for me because I am running with you.”

We’ll take a rest when we need it. We will stand, walk, run and fly together.

We are doing it together with Him. And with Him we will bring the Kingdom of heaven into the earth. How beautiful it is :)

Lost and Found

Have you ever feel lost? I bet almost most of us have experienced that feeling and I know it is one of the worst feelings in the world.

This morning when I was cleaning my room I found my 3 old diaries, I wrote it when I was 14 to about 22 years old. It took me more than 5 hours to read it all. It was crazy to read it all through again. In that 5 hours I felt I was traveling in time machine; I can feel all the feelings again, all the pain, laugh, tears, depression.. EVERYTHING.

I won’t hide it, my past is not beautiful. I have more sad and depress stories, well most of it are like that. As a teenager into my young adult years; I lived with horrible depression and anxiety, I was an alcoholic and drug addict for years, I was sexually abused,  I was suffering from severe emotional problems and was in and out an anger management therapy, hospitalized so many times for trying suicide, I was crazily totally mad at God then finally didn’t believe in Him  for years. I was totally lost.

But then about 4 years ago I decided to give my life to the Lord and I’ve been living my life only for Him since then. But does it make my life problem-free? No it doesn’t.

Just few days ago I felt lost, again. I was in my room; thinking about my life, about all the plans and then suddenly I felt lost. See, over thinking can cause you to feel lost.

This is a short story why I felt lost: I’m now leading a mission team. We are planning to go to one country and stay there for a long term and disciple the locals. We are now doing a fund raising for all the needs and planning to go there early next year. Okay, so far everything sounds good. But then last week for few days in a row I felt totally lost. The need of the fund for the project is so big for me, the responsibilities of leading the team are too overwhelming, all the burdens and all the things that I have to leave behind and sacrifice for the sake of this calling are too much for me to handle; I am beyond exhausted. As the tears falling from my eyes that night; the thoughts of maybe it’s not for me, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I misheard, maybe I have walked in a wrong path, and all other maybes are killing me. Suddenly I felt lost; so lost that suddenly I don’t know where to go anymore, so lost that I almost want to give up everything. I cried, cried as loud as I can to the Lord… and there He answered me: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). And I realized in that second that all the things that I felt are not from Him. I know that His calling and promises are true and never fails.

At some point or another EVERYONE in life feels this same thing. It's simply an attack from the enemy, and we must remember Jesus told us, that He has already overcome the world! The thing is we must keep our faith. Like what I just shared; I've been there, done that, it WAS the worst thing...however, it's also the BEST thing as well. Now don't go all ''you're nuts'' on me here, just listen, and hear me out.

While it's horrible what you go through, how you feel, etc. It's also the most wonderful, beautiful, craziest, thing you'll face. Why? Because God pulls you through it; you rejoice, you thank, you praise, you honor, and you glorify Him. You grow and mature in Him, you seek Him more, you truly learn, feel, see, and experience the REAL love, mercy, grace, compassion, understanding, patients and everything else there, is all about God!

You're so drawn into Him during this time, and even more so once you're delivered from it. The key is this: control it, don't allow it to control you. We live under grace, the grace of GOD ALMIGHTY! Once this trial is over, you shall be stronger, wiser, so many awesome things. You are learning the true awesomeness, the mighty power of God, you really experiencing Him through it.

There are times when God let us to feel lost/far from Him because He wants us to seek Him more. As His children we need to level up in our relationship with Him. And to be able to go up to the next level; we need some trials and tests. And all of that trials and tests are supposedly bringing us closer to Him.

You can feel lost but don’t let that feeling drown you and control you.

I was lost but now I am found and my Creator—my Father will never ever let me go astray again as long as I am holding His hand, His promises, His calling, His love in my heart. But don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean that He will never pursue us when we fail, He will.. always pursue us. But us humans, we have to remember who we are and who He is. We are the creature and He is the Creator, we are the one that needs to keep seeking Him and never let Him go. He will never let us go, but we often let Him go when things go not according to our will.

In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears. Psalm 18:6

He hears us always. And when we feel down and lost; He is there waiting for us to reach out our hands to Him and surely He will catch us, He will hold us, He will comfort us, He will show us the right path and way, He will guide us.. ALWAYS.

Now I proclaim again:

I am crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me.

I can do all things through Christ.

You came to seek and save the lost. I’m lost without you, Lord. 

Our Battle Belongs To God

"One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple." Psalm 27:4

When I read that verse again today, the word “seek” really hit me. I know that seek means crave, pursue; and from that verse questions came to my mind: “What are you seeking in your life?” “? Are you seeking God fully or He is just your Sunday God?” “Does your life available?” “Would you let Him speak to you about everything?”

How would you like to have close relationship with someone famous? You would do almost everything, I bet. I am a big huge massive fan of Robert Downey Jr and Johnny Depp. I love them since I was just a little girl and I watched almost all of their movies. When I was just a teenager, I put their pictures and posters on my wall and dreamt about them almost every night! Too bad that I never met them in person until today, but it’s still on my list! What will I do if I meet them face to face? Faint, I guess.. Haha!

See, that is just my story. I believe each one of us have someone that we adore and love so much that we will do everything for them. If we are willing to do that for human being, what should we do for God? Is anybody standing in line waiting to hang out with God? Can you imagine if we have to wait in line just to hang out with Him? How long we should wait? Will we wait that long? :)

Thank God that He lives inside of us that we can hang out with Him anytime. There’s nothing more wonderful than the presence of God!

When we have an intimate relationship with God then God will fight our battles. Yes, He will fight for our battles!

Have you ever read the book of 2 Chronicles? I love that book!

Today we will look at 2 Chronicles 20. That chapter tells us the story of King Jehoshaphat. He became king of the Kingdom of Judah when he was 35 years old. I really love the story in this chapter!

Verse 2-4 says: Some men came and told Jehoshaphat, “A great multitude is coming against you from Edom, from beyond the sea; and, behold, they are in Hazazon-tamar”. Then Jehoshaphat was afraid and set his face to seek the Lord, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah. And Judah assembled to seek help from the Lord; from all cities of Judah they came to seek the Lord.”

When the news came it says that Jehoshaphat was afraid and set his face to seek the Lord. He made the decision to seek the Lord instead of running to somewhere else. He was afraid but he decided to go and seek the Lord, which is the best thing to do.

So many times when we feel afraid we go to someone (a friend or mentor or whoever) that can make us feel comfortable. But then we need to realize that no one can help us to make things better or to erase the fear but God.

Fear always hits us when we have problems. Fear is just a feeling but when you let it controls you, it will stop you from making progress. We can feel fear but do not be afraid!! God wants us to set our eyes to Him.

We have to set our minds when we have problem to God. Set ourselves to seek God, there’s no need to be afraid of problem because God is on our side (Romans 8:31).

Back to 2 Chronicles 20 verse 9 where Jehoshaphat said, “If disaster comes upon us, the sword, judgement, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You-for Your name is in this house-and cry out to You in our affliction, and You will hear and save.” And verse 12b. “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You.”

That is the attitude that we should have!! No matter what, we will stand before Him and know that He will hear and save us.

I like when King Jehoshaphat said, “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You.” And again, that is also the attitude that we should have. We have to realize that we are powerless without Him. But then at the same time, we will keep our eyes on Him.

Let us to set our minds to God, that every time we have trouble we will say, “I am not gonna bow down to fear, but I will seek God because He have the answer and the way out.”

But don’t come to Him only when we have problem. Seek Him in our daily lives. Pursue Him! Have a very intimate relationship with Him!

Back to the 2 Chronicles 20, there when you read the entire chapter it tells you that the Lord delivers Judah. Yes, the Lord delivers Judah! See; not because of the power of the humans, not because of they have great fighters but because of the Lord.

Verse 23: “For the men of Ammon and Moab rose against the inhabitants of Mount Seir, devoting them to destruction, and when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, they all helped to destroy one another.”

Our battle belongs to God.

2 Chronicles 20:15, “Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's.”

Can I hear a big AMEN?! AMENN!!!

God will give you any strength to do anything that He commands you to do. If you go with Him and stay with Him and do the things that He wants you to do, He will surely give you strength.

Always remember what King Jehoshaphat did when he got the news, He realized that he was afraid and he decided to run to God and seek Him.

God is able to deliver us from any situation. But if God doesn’t deliver us from our situation, it doesn’t mean that He doesn’t care; surely He will help us to get through it. He will give us grace for every step that we take.

God doesn't promise us an easy life, but He said "do not be afraid for I am with you".

I've been in a situation where I was so afraid and really don't know what to do but believe that He will save me, that He has a plan, that He has a way out. My battle is not the same with yours and I do believe that none of us have an easier battle, because each of us have our own portion. But I do believe that when we put our trust and hope in Him, and seek Him instead of trying to solve it with our own power, He will save us.. He will fight for us.

Now besides this seeking Him and our battle belongs to Him, I would love to share this picture that I found few days ago:

When you have intimate relationship with Him and your battle is hard; it means that He believes that you are strong enough to face it, He knows that you have faith in Him and trust Him. The bigger the faith, the bigger the battle too! :)

So let us keep the faith, seek Him and remain close with Him, trust Him and see how He will fight for us :)

What is written in the bible; all the battles that He fought for the Kings, He will do it exactly the same for us.

Bless you all!

Let Us Fly High On Wings Like Eagles!

Wait on Me, My princess. My timing is always perfect. I know you're anxious about many things, and I see your passion for all the plans I have put in your heart. I know that you long to fly, and I see your enthusiasm. However, just as a vine dresser nurtures the vine and waits patiently for the right moment to harvest the grapes, so too am I working tirelessly to prepare you to bear much fruit. Don't run ahead of Me or try to fly before My plans are complete. Your strength will fail you, and your dreams will wither away. Trust Me that My dreams for you are far greater than you can dream on your own. You will run farther and soar higher if you will patiently wait for the season of My blessing. Draw close to Me now, and I promise that this season of waiting will bring you the sweetest of rewards.

Love,

Your King and Lord of perfect timings

But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

As I look back to all the post that I posted in this blog, I stopped in one of my post "Wait on Me, My Princess.. My Prince". I wrote that post sometime in April when I was in that "waiting" moment. I copy paste the short letter from God here and the exactly same verse that I used in that post. It's just amazing when you look back and realized that the "waiting" time is so worth it. That God will always fulfill His promises in our life.

I remembered when I wrote that post I was in a pretty hard situation; I didn't get my US visa so I can't do the school that I wanted to do, my mom's health dropped and she went to the hospital, I was so broke that I didn't have any penny, I was so down because I didn't know what should I do next. All my dreams and plans were all dead.

It was one of the hardest moments in my life. I remembered I was sobbing, crying out loud to God and asked Him why. And that was the time He came and told me to wait for His perfect timing, to believe that He has plan for my life, to be patient and know that it will all bring me the sweetest of rewards.

Was it easy to believe it? Nahh! I struggled for a while, up and down again and again.

But now I started to see it, to see that His plan for my life is beyond my own imagination, my own plan, my own dreams. To realized that God really dream a bigger dream for me. And that is beyond amazing!

Not so long after I cried out loud to Him, He showed me His will in my life. In the beginning I was so shocked and trying to let go that ultimate trust. But again, its all about obedience and faith. To believe that no matter how hard your life and/or your situation is, God can bring you out from it.

In June 2012, I led a team of Indonesian people to China. God amazingly provided more than $10,000 for it in less than a month. It was a great privilege for me to lead the team and bring my own people to the land of China. During one month of our time there, God brought us so many new people and gave us the opportunity to share His love to them. God gave me and the team that privilege to see Him working in each of their hearts. The opportunity to lead them to believe Him. The opportunity to baptize them in His name. It was an amazing experience.

And I can't stop thanking Him for it.

It is written: But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

It's true and will always be true.

During that time of waiting He molded me, and He is still molding me until today. So I can be that woman that He wants me to be. He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit so it will be even more fruitful. He's taking me places so that I will learn and grow deeper with my relationship with Him, the lover of my soul.

And now He's giving me a bigger job, a bigger task, a bigger vision, an ultimate trust. It freaks me out still, but knowing that He is and will always be with me, it gives me such a comfort.

So the point of this post is to let you know that "waiting moments" are worth the wait. As long as you wait on the Lord; you will surely find new strength, you will surely fly high on wings like eagles, you will surely run and not grow weary and you will surely walk and not faint.

His promises are real.

Remember that God dream a bigger dream for you. So if you're dreaming of becoming a cook, He can make you a chef. If you're dreaming of becoming a director of a company, He can make you the owner. If you're dreaming of becoming His servant, He will make you His children--an heir of His Kingdom.

But that will only happen if you let Him work in and through your life.

Let Him be the pilot and surely He will take us to highest place that we can never imagine of.

So let us fly high on wings like eagles!