Conversation with Father

I just read this. So beautiful and almost the same with what I just experienced this morning.


You say rest. You pull on my heart, aching reminders that this is not my home. Reminders that I cannot find home here

I say but I must work. I must accomplish.

And You say accomplish what?
All was accomplished on the 6th day. All was finished when My Son cried out.

And I say I know, I know.

Because I only know. I do not yet believe

I say yes to You in my heart but remind You that love and faith and beautiful things do not pay for my food, my clothes, my home.

And You laugh at me.
You laugh, saying: I am your Father. Do you think I do not know what you need? I am older than time. With one blow I can destroy everything you see. But I treasure you more than a sparrow.

I come undone,

faced with my childishness again.

And You say: only children see the face of their Father in heaven.

He is my Father--He knows what I need

Just last night I cried myself to sleep. Thinking about how can I do all the things that I need to do right now. I feel so powerless.
I realized that I've been living in a comfort zone in the past 1 year. The challenges are not that bad. I've been involved with 2 discipleship training schools, went for outreaches. There were hard times but I survived.


And now in the last 2 months everything suddenly changed. I've lost some of supporters, family issues, personal life issues, and then the worst was when I found out that I made a decision that is not according to God's will in my life.


Now here I am. Starting a new chapter of my life. I decided to leave Thailand and move to Hawaii to do SBS (School of Biblical Studies). And I only have less than 3 months to prepare everything. And I started it with nothing but my faith to my Father.


But I am just a human. So many times I felt powerless. Every time I looked at the amount of money that I need, I felt so small. Every time I think about a lot of things, I feel helpless. But I know it's wrong, that's why I cried myself to sleep last night. I felt I don't have enough faith to do it and I felt so low. I kept telling Him about the things that I need and then somehow I fell asleep.


Then this morning I woke up with His voice telling me: "I am your Father. Do you think I do not know what you need? I know everything that you need even before you know that you need it. And I know how to provide it all. I am the Author of everything. Believe in Me, my beloved."
I smiled, but still don't know what to do.

And then I opened my email. There's a notification of donation. I received $500 donation from anonymous.
I fell down and cried. Cried over my lack of trust.

Now I have $500.. $9500 to go..
And I promise Him not to doubt His mighty power. Not to doubt His calling in my life.
Money can be a major reason why we stop serving Him without realizing that He is the creator of everything. He is the owner of all money in the world.

All we need is faith. All He ask is trust.
It is written in Matthew 7:7-11 that He is our Father in heaven. And He knows how to give good things to His children.
Ask with faith. Trust without doubting.
Even when we doubt He will show Himself faithful.

I am serving the most faithful God. The Author of my life.
I think tonight I will cry myself to sleep again. Not because of lack of faith but because the great love that the Father has for me.


If you feel led to give towards my tuition fees or just want to see the updates of my fundraise please check it out here:
Fundraise for Steph's Bible School

Jesus

When the storm comes to my life
When hope seems like so out of reach
There's One name that I can hold on to
That name is Jesus


When my heart can't stop crying
When it is so hard to even stand with my own feet
There's One hand that always hold me tight
Jesus' hand is all I need


I put all my sorrow and fear away
And I choose to sit in His presence
Where His love and mercy
Lift me up once again


I cry out and calling out His name
There His love comes and comfort me
That mighty hand holding me tight
And help me through the day


Jesus Jesus
The only name that comforts me
Jesus Jesus
In Your presence is where I belong


Jesus Jesus
How I love Thee
Jesus Jesus
I know You are here with me

I might be broken right now but I know that He will fix my broken heart.

I have realized so much more how much I need help. I don’t care about people as much as I used to, I don’t pray as much as I want to, I can’t heal as fast as I wish to, I don’t smile as much as I used to, I don’t laugh as loud as I always did, I don’t talk to people as often as I would like to and I become more judgmental than I would like to admit most days.

I am totally broken. Broken into pieces and it is so hard to put it all back together. And I realized that I’ve been trying to do it with my own strength. And I became a person that I don’t know.

I almost give up. I even questioning if it’s all worth it. Is it all worth the pain that I feel right now?

The question "why me" keeps coming back to my mind. But then another question "why not me?" also bothering me.

I just don’t know why all of these things happened to me. So many times all I want to do is to scream. To scream at their face, so they will know that I am a human that have a feeling. To tell them stop judging me. Because it is written who judge will be judged.

I’ve spent hours and hours crying. Until somehow I realized that I am not only withdraw myself from people around me, but also from God.

Sad but true. I am disappointed, by them who called themselves Christian.

Jesus also experienced all the bad stuff. Judgments, criticism, He even had to die for our sins. Imagine the pain. I know that my feeling right now is nothing compare to the pain that Jesus had on the cross.

David Hamilton suddenly mentioned that he felt there are people that almost give up the calling during his teaching this morning. He said that there are people in the room that is tired of judgments and criticism from family and friends. Who is almost give up and wondering is it all worth it.

He said that no matter what you feel right now just look at Jesus. Seek Him. Hear Him. He is there with you and He is saying “thank you My daughter”.

I know immediately that the words are for me.

I might be broken right now. But I know that He will fix me. He will fix my broken heart. He will sing me a love song.

And by the end of the day He probably will reveal the reason why I have to get through all this crazy things. But if He doesn't, it doesn’t mean that He love me less. I somehow know that He knows that I am strong enough to handle it.

Now I will try. I will try to be Stephanie again. I will try to talk to the people who hurt me. I forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing.

Because now I realized that no matter what they think about me, it won’t make God love me less. And God knows everything. So I don’t have to try to convince them or to live a life trying to please them.

He is my Helper and my Comforter. He understands when nobody else don't.

I may have wasted energy the past one month or so, and I may have taken everything straight to my heart that I almost feel depressed. Both of these have added into a mixture of "akjshdkjahsdkjagdhabshagsdjh" that set my mood in a not pretty place.

But now I will try to stand up again. To fight the good fight for His glory. To continue pursuing His calling in my life no matter what.

Now I chose to close my ears to what the world say; and open a straigth line to what my Father will say.

And now let the healing process begin.......

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— 

   where does my help come from? 

2 My help comes from the LORD, 

   the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip— 

   he who watches over you will not slumber; 

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel 

   will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you— 

   the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 

6 the sun will not harm you by day, 

   nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm— 

   he will watch over your life; 

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going 

   both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121:1-8

Call to Him.. You have direct line!!

I've been spending the last 4 weeks mostly alone. So I want it or not that "alone" time gave me so many time to just reflect and look at my self once again. And most of the time it brought me down unto Jesus's feet again and again.


One time I was sitting outside the kitchen and I saw this one chicken running around screaming (or crowing). And I finally realized that she's looking for her baby. And I saw the little chick is on top of a roof also screaming. It was a great moment of watching both of the mother and the little chick finally made their way to find each other. They never give up. Both of them looking for each other.


And it reminded me of my self and my relationship with God. I know that He knows where I am at. Even though I'm hiding in the darkest place, He knows. So many times I felt lost or just felt alone. I ended up feeling so lonely and cried my self to sleep. But I cried for my self. Not really crying out to God. I was to focused on my own problem, my own pain.. it was always about me me and me.


I was born again 3 years ago. And it is still a journey of knowing God until today. I realized that I was so broken and it takes a long time to process everything. But so many times during that process I forgot that I can cry out to God. I forgot to call His name.


He is here with me. He is in me. But again so many times I forgot the fact that He is here with me. Somehow I still think that He's sitting in the Heaven. He is though.. But I have to remember that He is also here with me.. with us.


All I need to do is call on His name. 
Jeremiah 33:3 Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know


He said call to Him and He will answer.. and its not stop there, He also said that He will 
tell us great and unsearchable things that we do not know. YEAH! What now?


My God.. Your God.. Our God.. He is the creator of this universe but also the Father for 
each one of us in this world. He is the perfect Father.


If you're alone... Call to Him
If you're lost... Call to Him
If you're hurt... Call to Him
If you're sad... Call to Him
but also..
When you're happy... Tell Him :)


Because He will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.. 


Do you know that He loves you so much more than anything in this world??


I know :)