Stop Playing That I-Am-Strong-Enough Game

Do you feel weak? Do you feel stuck and don’t know where to go? Do you tired of running this race? Do you experiencing that closed door? Do you feel hopeless?

Let’s read this scripture:

What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept My word and have not denied my name. –Revelation 3:7b-8

I got this scripture last night and it successfully made me cry. And then this morning I received a message from my friend saying that she’s been praying for me and gave me exactly the same scripture. O how amazing our God is!!

He knows that we only have little strength and that’s why we don’t need to play I-am-strong-enough game with Him.

I staff 4 DTS in my 3 years time in Ywam. I’ve learned again and again about God and His mighty strength and that there is nothing that we can hide from Him. But then I did play that I-am-strong-enough game so many times. And I just played it again yesterday. I was talking to some friends of mine telling them that I am feeling a lot better and I am ready for the next step and there is nothing can stop me to keep running this race. But then I went home, sitting on my bed and suddenly I cried. I was weeping again, like a baby.

That was when suddenly this vision came to me:

I was running as hard as I can.

Sweat all over me.

“I can’t stop” I think.

“I have to keep running”

My muscles are sore, my legs feels like it’s almost broken.

And suddenly I fell down on my face.

“NO!” I screamed, I have to start to run again.

I stood up and started to run again.

“See, Father.. I can, I can do this. I am running this race for you”

And then I fell again.. I stood up again and fell again until all my body cannot take it anymore.

I was laying on the race track when I saw Him there sitting down next to me.

“You’re tired” He said.

“I can do this, Father. I will stand up again. I will keep running” I said.

He smiled. He helped me to move a little bit and put my head on His lap.

“It’s okay” He brushed my hair with His hand.

I started to cry. I cried and cried, “I am sorry I can’t continue to run”

“My whole body is aching. My legs cannot move. I am trying, Father.. But I can’t”

He looked at my eyes, “Why are you doing this?”

“I.. I do this for You. I run for You..”

He smiled, “Beloved, I know you’re tired. Take a rest. Here with Me”

“I created you for Me, not for the running track.” He hold my hands “And when you’re tired, I am here to give you rest. You don’t have to try to get to all the finish lines, I am the finish line. I know what you’ve been doing, there is nothing hidden from My eyes. And I am with you. Remember that, I am with you no matter what.”

He kissed my forehead and in sudden my whole body healed.

He wiped all the tears, helped me to stand up again and hold my hand very tight.

“Let us start this journey again. We’ll take a rest when we need it. We will stand, walk, run and fly together.” He looked at me, “Look at Me, I am the finish line so you don’t have to run for me because I am running with you.”

He is running with me. He is the One that holds the key is running with me. He knows where exactly where to go.

It is again a very big revelation to me. He knows where to go, even when He took us to a place and then in the middle of the journey we found out that the door is closed, it doesn’t mean that we are lost. We are never lost if we’re with Him. That closed door is an experience that He gives us to make us grow. Because He have placed before us an open door that no one can shut (Revelation  3:8). That’s an amazing promise.

And as long as I love the Lord, surely I will rise again. –Dulce Amor

That is a quote from my dearest friend. She wrote it in her message to me. And it is true. As long as I love the Lord my Father, surely I will rise again. I can fall, I can feel tired, angry and sad, I can maybe feel disappointed with the world but I know He will never let me down and drowning forever. Surely I will rise again.

Surely I will rise again with my Father beside me holding my hand. I see my future is bright. And there is no closed door that can take me away from my Father. I do believe in His promises and I know that He has placed that one door for me that no one can shut. No power can shut it down.

And I don’t have to play that I-am-strong-enough game anymore. I can cry and I can feel weak, but then I know that He is there strengthen me.

Closed Door is Not The End Of The World

What if God tells you to let your dreams and plan die?

What if He asks you to surrender everything?

What if He closes the door?

What if it happens to you?

For me, it is not what if…

It is happened.

Most of you know that for the last couple of months I was planning to go to Kona, Hawaii to do School of Biblical Studies there. In October I heard from God and then I prayed over it, asked people to pray for it, got lots of confirmations, doors were open, provisions came, I went home to Indonesia; everything seems so great.

Until last Thursday when my visa is disapproved, I was so shocked.

After He opened all doors, why He closed this one?

I went home from the embassy, locked myself in the room. I spent few hours crying, weeping, sobbing, praying, asking, seeking, crying, asking, praying and praying until I finally feel better. He comforted me that afternoon. He gave me peace, and again I know that I am not alone.

What happened then? Why is it happened like that? I've been spending so much time, so much money. Why?

I was trying to find the answer until I found my quite time note few days ago.

“Will you surrender everything to Me, Stephanie? How ‘bout if I ask you to let your dreams and plans die? To let it die and I will raise it again. I will raise it again according to My plan and My perfect timing. Will you surrender, Stephanie?”

That time my answer was, “YES LORD, I SURRENDER ALL. AT ANY RISK”

And here I am right now. I am letting all my dreams and plans die and put it all on His feet, knowing that somehow someway He has a better plan for my life. Even though my heart is broken and I can feel the pain, I know that His joy is always new every morning. In fact, I do feel better now. He is faithful and His healing is amazing.

When the world has fallen out from under me, I’ll be found in you, still standing. –Brooke Fraser

I wrote Unshakable faith comes from having your faith shaken few months ago. And I was just reading it again and thought, “Bummer, it is happening again right now.”

My faith is shaken but it is unshakable. It is because I have Him as the anchor of my soul. And Jesus is the strongest anchor ever! If you have Him as you anchor, no storm can ever move you from His side. And I am 

here still standing.

I chose to believe, no matter what.

I chose to stand still and holding on to His promises.

I chose to believe that my cup is overflow.

I chose to keep looking forward to the future.

One of my dear friend post this on my facebook wall:

When we lose one blessings, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place. -C.S Lewis

And I do believe that. I believe that there are more blessings to come. I believe that He is teaching me to be more stronger.

Since last Thursday lots of people looking at me with a very sad face saying, "I am sorry to hear that you didn't get your visa. Be strong."

But then most them saying it with a tones like it's the end of the world, like I am dying or something terrible that is unfix. It is actually not that bad. It is not the end of the world for me. I am not dying. And it is absolutely not a terrible thing. It is a great lesson from God.

When we are facing difficulty, a lot of us ended up drowning into the deepest sorrow that never ends. But it is written, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

"For the sake of Christ, then , I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When I am weak, then I am strong. That is exactly what I feel. Last Thursday when I was in the deepest sadness, I felt His love so strong comforting me. And that time I am strong, because He is strong. He doesn't want me to drown in my sadness. Because it is not the end of the world. It is a privileged, to be able to experience this disappointment and sadness, and then at the same time to experience how His love and His grace lift you up again and fills you with His joy.

He closed the door for me to go to Hawaii. He closed the door for me to study SBS. But there are a lot of open doors waiting for me. Because this journey of knowing Him won't stop just because of one closed door. But that one closed door will show me how great is He the one that can open thousand of doors.

When one door closes, another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. -Alexander Graham Bell

Most of us knows that quote and it is true. I also believe that God doesn't want us to stare regretfully upon the closed door. He wants us to move forward. To seek and also believe that there is another door has opened for us.

And I am here right now amazed. Amazed at all this experiences that He gave me. Amazed at how big His plan for my life.

I am not perfect. I am still struggling. I am still seeking. But He is so faithful that He is showing me that it is not the end. One thing that brought me to tears was when He told me how proud He is to see me able to lie down all the desires of my heart and let it all die and still believing that He is faithful with His promises.

It is not about what you do for Him or where you go for Him. It is not about that. It is about the relationship that you have with Him. Because whatever you do and wherever you go, He is with you.

I know and I believe that I am not the only one that been through a disappointment. I am not the only one facing the closed door. I am not the only one that had to let the dreams die.

But I know the One that is able to lift us up again. The only One that can raise the dead. The One that can makes us stronger through hardships. It is Him, our God.

And now don't look back. I don't want to look back and feel sad about myself. The only time that you should look back is to see how far God brought you. And He will always be with you until He fulfill all His promises in your life.

And I do believe that He will fulfill His promises in my life.

He is in control. The creator of this universe knows exactly the plan that He has for our lives.

So, keep smiling :)

And stay tune for my next update about what will I do next =)

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Please keep praying for me as I am praying for you. Right now I am getting ready to start a new journey again with Him. Because this is not the end yet. I can't tell you right now what I will do because I am still processing it with Him. But it is exciting!!

Thank you so much for all the prayers and supports towards my plan for SBS. I won't stop here. Stay tune for my next journey. And please keep praying for wisdom and for God's provisions. I am aware that I've been spending big amount of money for SBS. But I do believe when it is God's will then it is also God's bill.

If you would like to know how to support me financially you can click donate

Thank you so much!! xoxo

Fall in love with Jesus?

Hmm...

How do you fall in love with Jesus?

I think it's the same...

The same way you fall in love with anyone else.

They show interest in you, and you show interest back.

Someone initiates a conversation, and begins investing their time.

Talking to them becomes a priority because there’s something there that you don’t understand yet, but just want more of.

They write you a love letter, and you read it over and over.

You write one back.

You make them priority in our life, and begin carving time out of your daily routine because you want them. You want their attention, you want their love, and you want to know who they are and how they work.

You sacrifice something here to show you care more for them than that, and you give up something there because you want to know what will happen if you spend just one more hour with them now.

You share your secrets with them. You tell them the best parts, the worst parts.

Give a little time every week, and you’ll find you want it more than just of Friday or Saturday nights. Give them a little time every day, and you’ll wonder why you thought that one thing was so important.

You talk about the things you rather not, but kind of do – just to see if they’ll still want you.

The more you invest, the more you’ll love.

This is what we were supposed to understand when we heard, “Where your treasure is, your heart will be also.”

Somehow we turned it into a currency of money instead of currency of time and intimacy.

Spend all your money on a person, and that’s a cheap reason to stay.

Spend all your time and secrets on a person, and that’s a heart you won’t be able to leave.

Invest your treasures in Jesus, and you heart will follow.

Few of us love at first sight; we need beauty, passion, or interest to slowly reel us in.

Stop waiting for Jesus to be any of these things for you; He already has.

Beautiful enough to design the mountains and rivers for your admiration, passionate enough for you to die, and interested enough in you to sell off the whole world for you.

He wrote down His entire life story for you, a love letter thousands of pages long – just so you would know Him and fall in love with Him.

He fell in love with you before first sight.

And He’s stopped at nothing – not even death – to show you how much He wants you.

He’s waiting for you to start falling in love back.

But It Is Written: DO NOT FEAR

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you" Isaiah 41:13

And that is not the only verse in the bible saying "do not fear". God saying it over and over again to us, "do not fear, for I am with you... do not fear, I will help you... do not fear, I have redeemed you... do not fear, for I am your God..."

But we as a human, we have so many fear in our lives. Fear of man, fear of failure, fear of life and lots more. But it is written that the only fear that we should have is fear of the Lord. Period.

Do I fear the Lord? Yes.

Do I fear other things? Oh yes I still do. My biggest fear right now is to go to the embassy on Thursday. I can't sleep well for the last few nights. The thought of going back to the embassy and getting no as the answer is haunting me. And then while I'm struggling with that fear, the other fear comes; fear of failure.

Fear is bad. Fear is ugly. It destroys every single joy and happiness from your soul. It takes away everything. It kills you.

Trust me, speaking from experience here. I've been in that place. Because of fear I went in and out ER so many times, overdosed. Because of fear I tried to kill myself more than 10 times. Because of fear I became alcoholic. Because of fear I wasted years of my life doing stupid things.

But by grace I am saved.

And because of this grace, I don't want to dwell in fear. In worldly fear.

This morning I woke up with fear allover me. I can feel it that the satan keeps whispering all of this stupid things to my ear. I was shaking, weeping, desperately in need of my Father to comfort me, when suddenly my bible opened to Isaiah 41. In the version that I use (ESV), the title of the chapter is "Fear not, for I am with you". O how I love my God...

"You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off, fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

There you go, satan. Off you go, to deepest depth of hell. That's exactly where you belong.

He will strengthen you, He will help you, He will uphold you. The only thing that you need to do is ask.
Because so many times we forget how big He is. We dwell in our fear thinking that there is no way out, to scared to find a way out, to scared to ask for help. We forget that it was His hands that stretched out the heavens. We forget that He is the one who speak the world into existence. We forget that He holds the universe in the palm of His hand. We forget how much He loves us.

I do believe when we're struggle with fear, He is there whispering to us: "I am here, beloved. Do not fear." I do believe that He doesn't want us to struggle with fear. I do believe that He is sending us all signs and wonders to show us that He is there and we shouldn't be afraid. We just need to open our eyes, our ears, our heart. He is there.

I don't say after this I won't struggle with fear anymore. I believe I will, that is our fight anyway. But I do believe that if I open my eyes and ears and heart widely, He is there comforting me.

Again this morning when I was praying about my fear going to the embassy, He gave me Isaiah 45:

"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."


He will go before us. He will level the mountains. He will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. He will open all the doors. But also at the same time He is with us.


So it is written: Do not fear, for I am with you. But don't let it be only a written words. Let it written in your heart. Believe it. Hold on to it like we holding on to our faith and our hope.


So whatever fear that you are struggling right now, stand up and say "my God is bigger than any fear". And if it comes again, say "off you go, you are not welcome here".
Fight it. Rebuke it. Remember that you are not alone. Ask Him to come to take away that fear and fills you with His peace.

Fear will only take you away from Him. Like I said, fear is ugly. It destroys. It makes you feel like you are nothing.

But remember one thing:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


You are loved. Do not fear. No matter how far that fear taking you from Him right now, it won't separate you from His love.

Fear of man, fear of failure, fear of life, fear of death. fear of future.. you name it. Erase it from your life right now.
Change it into Fear of the Lord. Because in Him there is no fear.

And for me, I promise I won't let fear control my life anymore. I won't let fear take me away from God.
I won't fear the embassy. I won't fear those people who will interview me. No more fear of failure, because in Him I am a winner.

In Him you are a winner. In Him you are saved.

This Crazy Thing Called Hope

Maybe for some of you it’s not crazy at all. Or maybe you think I’m crazy because I called it crazy. Well at least that’s how I feel right now.

According to the Holman Bible Dictionary, Hope is a trustful expectation, particularly with reference to the fulfillment of God’s promises. Hope is the anticipation of the favorable outcome under God’s guidance, the confidence that what God has done for us in the past guarantees our participation in what God will do in the future.

Hope is a trustful expectation to the fulfillment of God’s promises. Beautiful. I am hoping and trusting that God will fulfill His promises in my life.

But in my case right now, people call me crazy. They said I am hoping too much. They said my expectation and my hope are too high, too crazy.

Okay this is my case for you who don’t know the situation I am facing right now. I’m planning to do my SBS (School of Biblical Studies) in Kona, Hawaii. Well, actually it’s not my plan. I was planning to do my SBS in Thailand until God told me that it was not His plan for me. He told me to go to Kona, Hawaii. It was back in October 2011. So after lots of prayer, I started to plan this journey. I had to go back to Indonesia to apply my visa. Since day one I had no money, at all. But through this journey God is teaching me again about faith, trust and hope.

So now I’m back in Indonesia, for more than a month now. I went to the embassy twice and every time I came they asked me to come back again with more documents. I don’t know why they don’t ask it all together at once.

And here I am now, 19 days before my school starts. No visa (yet). No money (yet). No ticket (yet).

I’ve been praying and asking. And God keep telling me to keep holding on to His promises.

I knew that it won’t be an easy journey. I knew it from the start. An Indonesian trying to get US visa, it is not an easy task. And I knew that it will cost lots of money, money that I don’t have. I knew it. But I have faith. I trust Him. I have hope.

And that’s why they call me crazy. But it’s not the first time they ever call me like that.

Just about 3 years ago I was planning to go to Australia to do my DTS (Discipleship Training School). Same story: no money and no visa. I told everybody that I met that I will go, that God told me to go and I trust Him. And you know what they said? They called me crazy :)

And you know what; I got my Australian Visa just 5 days before my school starts. I had my ticket (ONE WAY TICKET!) just 3 days before the school starts.

And you know what they said? CRAZY!!!

I know, it somehow feels so crazy. Even me right now, writing this post, still thinking it’s crazy. This hope thingy is crazily amazing because I know where I put my hope. I put it in Him, Him that will never forsake me.

I remember one of my good friends told me “Do not give up, Stephanie. Keep holding on into your hope. It might seem blurry right now, and you maybe feel so tired. But do not give up your hope because you will never know when it’ll come. Maybe it’ll come tomorrow or in the next few hours. If you give up now, you’ll lose. Its close, Steph. It is close. Don’t give up your hope.”

It might seem crazy, that I am hoping for the things that is way beyond my power and control. But I don’t mind people call me crazy or out of my mind. I don’t mind even if they laugh at my hope, because I know where my hope comes from. It came from the One who hold this universe.

And right now, 19 days before the school starts, I still have hope. I don’t have the visa yet and I also don’t have the money for the flight yet. But I have hope. I have faith. That everything will work in His perfect timing. And I won’t give up. No matter what people say, I won’t give up.

They can laugh at me, they can call me crazy, they can shake their head (until they can shake no more) but I won’t give up my hope.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

If you ever see a ship, it needs a very strong anchor. Because if the anchor is not strong, when the storm comes it will take away the ship.

He is my anchor. Jesus is my anchor. He is the strongest anchor that you could ever find in this universe. And this storm will never take me away from Him.

So don't you mind if people call you crazy or out of your mind just because you are doing something that believe for. A lot of people doesn't understand God's promises in their life. And we are not living according to the world standard of how we supposed to live our lives.

I don't mind they call me crazy, because I know there will come a time that I can show them how crazily amazing my God is.

And for me right now, I will keep continue holding on to my hope, my anchor, my Jesus.

Please keep continue pray for me, so I will continue stay firm and secure knowing that He is in control. Please pray that in less than 19 days I will have enough money to buy my flight ticket and get my visa.

And me, I will be praying for you so that you will always believe that there is still hope, no matter what your situations are. Never give up, you are so very close to it right now.

I put this picture because I am a visual person. And I think it explain the meaning of "never give up" pretty well. So never give up, even though people call you crazy :)

In my one wild and precious life

That is my biggest revelation today.

Today I am exactly where I need to be in my one wild and precious life.

To be at home with my mama and my little brother, it is exactly where I need to be. And I say this not just because of the quote, but it's truly a revelation.

I love being at home, but not more than 2 weeks. But right now, I've been here for 33 days a.k.a more than 4 weeks and I was so desperate to go. I thought I came here only for visa, nothing else. But then when everything didn't work as I wanted, I was forced to stay longer than I planned. And it's hard.

Why is it so hard, Steph? Why is it so hard to stay in your own country? Well, its kinda love-hate relationship. I love my country when I am away but then I hate it when I spend to much time in my country. Why so? Well, I think it's all because all of my past and all the stories behind it. And I don't feel really used by God here. Hmm... feeling. Feeling can deceive you.

I spent hours and days crying asking God to send me away as soon as possible. I tried to do all the things that relate to Christianity and outreaches but I just don't feel as whole as I supposed to feel. Instead I feel so lonely, worried, angry, nervous, selfish. I am so ready to go.

That's when He said:

Stephanie, when you're lonely, worried, nervous, selfish, angry.. it has to do with you and Me.

It has nothing to do with other people or in which country you are right now. It has only to do with you and Me.

I am speechless.

I am blessed. I am fed, clothed and sheltered. I am loved. I have family. I have life. I am recipient of the greatest gift in the universe. I have everything. I know this. What is wrong with me?

I cried. How ungrateful I am. So many people out there wishing that they have a family, wishing that they can go back to their homeland, wishing that they can feel the warmth of their parents. And me, what am I doing? Just complaining all the time. Asking God why I have to be here, asking God if He is around and aware of my feelings, asking God if He cares.

He do cares. That's why He let me stay for a while here in Jakarta, to enjoy it. To be with my family. To meet and hang out with my old friends where I can share and laugh at all the memories of my childhood. To be able to speak and understand 100 percent of the language. To be able to eat all the familiar food. To go out and ride motorbike. To just be at home.

This is the life that He gave me. This is the journey that I am taking with Him. And today I am exactly where I need to be in my one wild and precious life.

So are you. Look around you. You are exactly where you need to be in your one wild and precious life.

Remember that you cannot turn back time. You can't even go back to the second that's just passed. Embrace it, cherish it with whoever around you. Don't say you have nobody. Look deeper.. You have Him.

Have faith. Believe that you are where you are right now for some reason. No matter how you got there--because God took you there or because you've been astray, He is able to make it into a wonderful and precious.

And for me right now, I am going to grab some snacks and watching TV with my mom and brother. Thanking God that I still have them in my life.

God is for me. God is for you.

I am just a human with all my weaknesses, just like everybody else. Just yesterday when I felt so down with everything (again), a friend of mine said "I read your blog and I thought you won't feel down anymore."

I was speechless when I heard that. Yes I do have blog and write about faith and strength, but it doesn't mean that I won't feel down anymore at all. Because to be honest, life is hard down here.

It's always a struggle for me to go back home. I don't have that loving family that cherish me when I come home. I don't have a church where I can call my home church. I don't have friends that can help me keep accountable. All I have is people coming to me for consultation, hoping and expecting that I will always encourage them. I don't have that Christian community. Why so? Because right after I became Christian, I left my country. And people down here think that because I am a "missionary" it means I am perfect, my life is perfect. They think that I won't feel sad or down because I am working for God. Tragic.

For the last few days until this morning since I posted my last blog, I felt so lonely. Wait, no, I actually felt a bit.. well okay not a bit.. I actually felt hopeless. I thought I tried all the best that I could.

And this morning God has asked something huge of me; SURRENDER. He's been showing me again the areas of my life that need work. One of the biggest things in my life right now is my plan to do SBS in Kona. And He's asking me to give it to Him. To lay it at His feet, to stop striving and surrender. And again, to let Him pour His love upon me.

I wonder how many of us this applies to? I can't be the only one with a goal, or a dream-what are you striving for?

I don't know that striving in and of itself is a sin, but the striving in my life definitely turned into sin. It turned into "God, I know You know what's best, but I got this. You can trust ME with my life. You have so many others to worry about--I can take care of myself". That has unfortunately become the story of my life: I can take care of my self.

But then it's just giving Satan so much things to put me down. Satan is a schemer. He plans, he strategies, he destroys. He takes what's been and convinces you of what will be. And this time he convinced me that I am a failure. And once you think you're a failure, it's almost impossible to go back and stand up again, not until you let God take the control back.

I tried all my best; with somehow I realized that I've been using my own strength, to get my visa. I thought I paid all the fees, I got all the documents, what else? But then when I didn't get my visa, I was so depressed. It was like the end of the world for me. And then I got up, thought that I'm strong enough. But then I fell again, feeling so hopeless, forgot that God is in control.

And like I said, this morning God has asked me to surrender again to Him. He asked me to lay down all my dreams, stop striving and surrender.

And by laying down all my dreams and hopes to Him, I am learning to be free again. Free from insecurity, free from chains. Secure in Christ.

Though I was shaken to my core, I was not stirred. Did I have a tough time with this? Of course. But I have peace. That peace can only come in times of strife through a loving Savior who is the Prince of all peace.

If you going through it, don't lose heart. God is FOR you! He's not against you! Though these times are hard, do not give up! You can't quit fighting in the middle of the battle. And remember that He is fighting for us. 

"For the Lord you God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." Deuteronomy 20:4

Our enemies tried to have us today, but God won. He will try again tomorrow, and probably the next day. But may I say it at the top of my lungs so that it rings as clear as a bell in the enemies ears:

"I KNOW THAT GOD IS FOR ME !!!"

God is for ME. God is for YOU.

Now, lets don't pray that God would remove you from this season, no matter how difficult it is, for that is already apart of His plan. Instead lets pray that you would do this season well. Do it to the best of your ability. Do it for Him. And when you're faced with adversity and caught thinking against the Father, remember that He's the one standing right there next to you saying in the gentlest of voices "Come on, lets keep going. I will carry you if you get tired. I just want you to walk a little bit further." Just like a good daddy teaching his children to stand even when their legs get weak. You can't crawl forever.

If you think walking with the Lord is difficult, just wait till you are running. It's painful, but worth every scar it takes to get there. Those scars become trophies of God's grace. You will be proud of those scars someday. I know I will be proud of it someday.

And now, I am going to rest. Rest in the arms of Jesus, knowing that I am safe and that I can trust Him. I am not giving up, I am letting Him to fight for me. One more try for this visa thingy, and this time I will 100% let Him fight. Not me, but Him. I will follow Him forward, not look back but move ahead. The promise is forward.

God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me!

God is for you. God is for you. God is for you. God is for you. God is for you!

Don't believe the lie. God is for you.

Thank you Father for all that You have done for me. Thank you for loving and dying for me. Thank you Father for loving this wretch and thank you for never giving up on me. I love you Father. Amen.

He Will Fulfill His Promises

"God is not a man that He should lie.. when He makes a promise, He will fulfill." Numbers 23:19

I am pretty exhausted in this whole process of everything I guess. Life is moving fast but slow, life is exciting but sad, God speaks loud, God speaks soft... I am on this teeter todder of emotions and I almost can't handle it anymore! Sometimes my weaknesses out weighs my strength, sometimes my joy out weighs my sorrow. No matter what, it's always a battle. But what happens when you're tired of fighting? What happens when you can no longer withstand the tired less schemes of the enemy?

I went to the embassy last Wednesday with confidence that I will get my visa. That finally after 4 months of fighting and crying and believing, I will get my visa and I'm ready to do my bible school. But then my heart broken into pieces when I found out I still can't get that visa. They asked me to show them my own bank statement with some amount of money that I don't have. I went home crying, weeping, sobbing. That moment I thought I don't have any hope to continue everything. That maybe I misheard God. That maybe this is not His promises. That maybe I was just dreaming.

I asked the Lord this, and you know what He told me??!?!!?! To keep fighting! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Do you know how frustrating that is? Does life ever get easy? Did I sign up to be in this battle? Well... Yes, I actually did.

He told me to keep fighting. He told me to not lose hope. He told me to wait and believe in His promises. He told me to have faith in Him and trust Him.

Though it's easy to say I have faith, it's different to actually have faith, and to say I trust the Lord, and actually have trust in the Lord are also two completely different things. I started to worry that my lack of faith was what keeping me from seeing the promises of God. I also started to feel guilty that I would even doubt God. But that is where I was, and sadly I feel I may still be there.

But then I realized that when I doubt God, I no longer have any place to put my trust. I must put my trust in Him and rebuke any doubt. You can't doubt God and trust Him at the same time, just as you can't be angry with God and still go to Him for comfort. I have to make a conscious effort to TRUST and not DOUBT. To have faith in Him.

God is going to finish what He started, even though the waters got to be parted. Lift up your head and don't be brokenhearted, God is going to finish what He started in you.

I still have 3 weeks to fight for this visa. And that 3 weeks is A LOT of time for God to do His work. I do believe in His mighty power. That there is no scheme of the enemy that God hasn't already defeated. I love that God tells us that "the joy of the Lord is our strength". And with this joy I do believe that He will fight with me.

And I want to share with you this letter. A reminder of His love.

To My precious child,

I wish you could see things the way that I see them. I wish you knew how tightly I truly hold you in My hands. I really have you on the forefront of My mind. I have sent My Spirit to be with you in time of crises and in time of desperation. I saw you cry. So badly I wanted to wrap My arms around you and wipe every tear from your eyes. I was with you, I am with you.

I know you struggle with the circumstances of life. Trust Me, this is not how I wanted your life to go. But, I will fulfill My promise; you will have life, and life to the fullest. You will soar, and you will have victory. When I created you, I created you with a purpose. I can't wait for you to see what I have for you, I just can't wait!!

I see you struggling, I see you trying to create an end to the madness. But don't be afraid for I am with you. I will never leave you, nor forsake you. You can tryst me with your life. I created you, I will protect you. If you could only see the process, and see the outcome you wouldn't give up. Not yet. You're so close, you're so close.

Satan wants nothing less than for you to hate Me. Don't forget that. He hates everything that is good. I am turning what he intended for evil into something greater that you could ever imagine. That's why you can't see the outcome of this, because it isn't fathomable. It's really that great!! I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to give you a HOPE and FUTURE! Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I would never harm you. You are too precious to Me! This is only a season of your life. This isn't going to define your life, this is only going to be the beginning of what is truly life. Oh the plans that I have in store for those that love Me.

Seek Me with your whole heart. I have not hidden Myself from you. I am always here, and I have been with you from the beginning. Oh My precious child, how much I love you. I got this. Rest in My arms, I am worthy to be trusted. I know you're tired, just lean up against me and breathe.. take a moment and breathe. Feel My love for you.

I haven't forgotten you. I will fulfill the promises for your life. Greater tings are still to come.

Love, your Heavenly Father.

There's a God whose been faithful to me. When my strength was all gone, when my heart had no song.. Still in love, He's proved faithful to me. Every word He's promised is true. What I thought was impossible, I've seen my God do.

O Father, You have lifted my head. Your glory will be shown through this trial.

Mountain of God

As I look back at who I was 365 days ago and the journey God has taken me on through those days, I get a little misty. One of my favorite analogies about life is one that describes it's days as climbing a mountain. At some points during that climb, as you look out from your path, it might seem like you're seeing the same exact thing that you saw earlier. But alas, it is not, for you are much higher and further than you were when you were last on this side of the mountain. It reminds me of that old school Third Day song, "Mountain of God".

Even though the journey's long

And I know the road is hard

Well, the One who's gone before me

He will help me carry on

After all that I've been through

Now I realize the truth

That I must go through the valley

To stand upon the mountain of God

So is life, no? I know I have moments of frustration, am I SERIOUSLY struggling with this AGAIN?! And I feel like I've made no progress. That all the work and prayer and breaking and healing have been for nothing. But the reality is, that couldn't be further from the truth. The reality is, I'm further up the mountain. I have all those experiences and memories in my tool belt, and will conquer whatever is in front of me far more skillfully then I would've a year ago.

2011 was hard. It was filled with adversity and struggles and Satan being such a bastard (oopss sorry but this is the truth). I cried and stayed in bed a lot. My reaction in the past during times like this was to throw up the walls, bottle it up, handle it myself, and give everyone the metaphorical (and maybe sometimes literal) middle finger. Including God. Being self-sufficient.. being self-destructive sometimes.

But this time, it was different. I immersed myself in the Word. I let myself be surrounded by people that loves me. I let myself cry in front of people. I spoke with people who had walked through similar times and got awesome advice. I didn't try to do it by myself. And you know what? It was awesome. Don't get me wrong, it sucked. A lot. But all I could do the whole time was point back to Jesus. Every time I was certain I couldn't do it anymore, the He was, filling me with more peace and patience and joy then I ever thought possible. Every time I decided that I was done, I was ready to run, there He was, softly whispering "I've got this. Just keep your eyes on Me." He carried me through a hard time, and now here I am on the other side, so thankful I didn't tap out.

I'm pretty sure there were periods of time that my iPod played the same song at least 20 times in a row. No exaggeration.

A mighty fortress is our God

A sacred refuge is Your Name

Your Kingdom is unshakable

With You forever we will reign

We will keep our eyes on You, we will keep our eyes on You

What a freaking awesome song. It was just a constant reminder of the fact that I'm always surrounded by Him. That He is a safe place. That He is un-freaking-shakable. Everything else in this world falters, and often fails.

Not God.

Unshakable-adj.firm: marked by firm determination or resolution; not shake able.

And now, here I am on the other side. I feel like I grew so much through 2011 that I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. Because I threw myself into Him in a time of hardship, it gave God the opportunity to start stripping off things that just had to go. Selfishness. Impatience. Anger. Being joyless.

I'm not going to pretend I'll never be selfish or impatient or joyless again. But I feel better equipped to encounter those struggles again. When I see that point on the mountain next time, I'll know I'm higher, stronger and ready to take it on.

I am only Yours

"I need you like a hurricane. Thunder crashing, wind and rain, to tear these walls down. I am only Yours now." -"Hurricane", Jimmy Needham

Starting over is hard, there's just no way around that. A complete over haul in the way you live your day-to-day life is bound to be fraught with good days and not-so-good days. And it's incredibly easy to slip into a funk, convince yourself you'll be forever lonely, and give up. Trust me, speaking from experience here. But here's the thing... there's a difference between lonely and solitude. Lonely seems to typically be something that is thrust upon a person, a change in social aptitude, a lack in companionship. Sad.

But solitude. Solitude is good. Solitude is a choice, a place of peace and of growth. Jesus spent time in solitude often, like in the garden before His arrest.

"He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him." -Luke 22:41-43

I feel like when we hit a hard time in life, this is what God desires us to do. To be like His son, and give ourselves time with Him. Time to go "Ok God. I'm not a huge fan of what's down right now, but You know what, if it's what You want... let's do this thing." And time for Him to give us His strength, instead of trying to rely on our own. I feel like I could write and entire different post on my need to be self-sufficient and "okay" all the freaking time, and maybe I will. But for this post's sake, just know that that is a struggle of mine. It's a struggle for me to let go of the reigns and let God drive.

And I need to learn that my life doesn't surprise God. So often I find myself standing back when I feel like everything's falling apart, looking up at God going "umm.. do You see this? You see what's going on down here? as surprised as I am?" I completely humanize God on a daily basis. Just because I am made in His image doesn't mean that He is made in mine. Thank God.

I am resilient, strong and unfortunately prideful. In my foolishness, I think that my plans are better than God's, my decision making abilities are better than God's, and I'm stronger and wiser than He is to the point that I can radically alter the plan He has for my life. When things start to go a way I didn't foresee, my immediate reaction is ugh, I messed this up. Great. Rather than the much more humble and grateful reaction of clearly my God's plan is better.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger

than our plans. than our pride. than our disbelief. than our fear.

Life threw me for a little bit of a loophole, but aren't those the sweetest times?

And I know that I need Him. I need Him to rip through all my preconceptions and biases and walls and make me His. Just His. Not this guy's, that friend's, mine and then His. Just His.

Need a game changer? Go read Romans 8. I've been coming back to it for like a week now, and every time it's better.

For if our God is for us, who can be against us?

He is for us. He is for me.

And I am only His.
"my beloved is mine and I am His" Song of Songs 2:16