$5

Here I am sitting in my room, thinking. I don’t even know what I’m thinking about, too many.

“I should start to pack..”

“I don’t know where to start..”

“I am leaving soon, 2 days left..”

“O dear I don’t have money for this trip..”

“What can I do with only less than $5? I am screwed!”

“I am a bit lonely…”

“Will God provides?”

And on and on and on…

All the mix emotions and feelings. I wish I can cry, o wait I’ve been crying for so many times. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling up and down lately. I know that God wanted me to do this SBS, but everything seems so hard. One day I feel so confidence about everything, the next day I feel so depressed. Again and again I’m struggling with lies and deception and I don’t know why this feeling of nervousness and worries always here. But I trust Him, above all.

Two days before I leave. I’ve been doing this counting down since the last 15 days. It doesn’t help, it just makes me more sad. And this upcoming trip/journey, I don’t know what to call it; faith journey or crazy journey or exciting journey? I don’t know. One thing that I know it is successfully makes my heart jumping around.

I am going back home to Indonesia and my purpose is to apply US visa. Talk about applying US visa, complicated! So many documents, so much money to spend.

Since the beginning it’s been a step of faith. I’ve needed so much money since I decided to obey God and do my SBS in Kona, Hawaii. It’s not cheap, it’s extremely expensive. So many people asked me why, why I chose Kona, it’s expensive. My answers still the same until today. I did not choose it; God chose that place for me. And I know I can’t afford it, but I know God can. It is not my bill, its God’s bill.

But I realized that it is easy to say “by faith by faith by faith..!”, but to live it is not as easy as saying it. Yes, it’s not easy at all.

Right now 2 days before I leave Chiang Rai, only $5 left in my pocket, nothing in my bank account, no credit card. How can I do this? I actually don’t know. I will leave by bus to Bangkok and have to wait in Bangkok and then fly to Singapore and have 15 hours lay over there and then finally fly to Jakarta. It’s a long journey and I don’t know how this $5 can survive for the entire trip. And as soon as I arrive in Jakarta, I have to apply my visa. And again I don’t think that $5 will be enough, and maybe by that time that $5 already gone.

I’ve been praying, writing newsletter, sharing the needs to others, crying to God, praying, praying and praying. And right now I don’t know what else to do. It is scary, extremely scary.

I’ve been telling myself that God will provide. I’ve been hoping somehow during the day the money will come miraculously. But still nothing, until this very minute.

 But there’s nothing else that I can do besides praising Him. Believe that He is in control.

I do believe that He watches me even at this very minute right now as I’m writing this blog. He knows all my worries. And I do believe that He wipes all the tears that fall from my eyes.

I can’t afford all the thousands of dollars that I need for my school. But I know He can, He’s able and He will provide. Yes, I know that deep down in my heart. I don’t know how, though.

Just this morning I had this little conversation with Him.

“I don’t know, God. I really don’t know how to keep move on with all this plan of me going to Kona. I feel like I want to give up.”

“Will it comfort you if I say I know? In fact I truly know. Stop carrying all this needs and pressure by yourself. How many times I have to say that I am with you? But I don’t care if I said it million times already, I will keep saying it: I am with you. Don’t give up, we’re almost there.”

“I am tired of this “asking” money thingy. I do feel like that. I am leaving and all I have is $5.”

“You’re not asking for money. You’re not asking their money. It’s not their money; it is My money that they have. I will bless those who bless you.”

“I know, but some of them probably don’t know about it.”

“Well then, it’s not about them. It’s about Me. I, not them, will provide for you. I, not them, will bless you. I, not them, will work in and through you. You need to understand that. I am more than able to change that $5 that you have into 500, 5000, 500000 or even more. Trust Me. I know it’s not easy, it will never be easy. I never promise you an easy life, right?! Trust Me, My love. We can do it, we can make it.”

“I trust You.”

“Then let Me handle everything. All you need to do now is be still and see Me working through all of your circumstances. Again I tell you, I know where we’re going and I know how to get there. This is not your journey nor My journey, this is our journey. I know all of your dream, but I dream a better dream for us. Me and you together, we can make it.”

I love Him. I do love Him. I love the way He use “we” instead of keep saying “I”, “Me”, or “you”. I love it when He said “this is our journey”. Honestly, most of the time I always think that this is my journey with the help of God. But actually it’s not like that. This is me and God’s journey, together.

And He knows all the needs. He knows the entire situation. He knows all the problems. And the best thing about it is that He knows the way out. He is able to solve all the problems. And He will.

I feel so small every time I worried about money and other things. It is always easy to trust God if we talk about $10 or $100. But our God is not that small. And I have to understand that with all of my heart. He can easily provide $10,000 or even more. But will we trust Him when the due time comes? Will we keep holding on and believe that He will do it? Will we? Will I?

I will. Even though there will be a day that I feel worry and nervous, I will always choose to believe in Him.

And for now, I will be still and know that He is God.