I have realized so much more how much I need help. I don’t care about people as much as I used to, I don’t pray as much as I want to, I can’t heal as fast as I wish to, I don’t smile as much as I used to, I don’t laugh as loud as I always did, I don’t talk to people as often as I would like to and I become more judgmental than I would like to admit most days.
I am totally broken. Broken into pieces and it is so hard to put it all back together. And I realized that I’ve been trying to do it with my own strength. And I became a person that I don’t know.
I almost give up. I even questioning if it’s all worth it. Is it all worth the pain that I feel right now?
The question "why me" keeps coming back to my mind. But then another question "why not me?" also bothering me.
I just don’t know why all of these things happened to me. So many times all I want to do is to scream. To scream at their face, so they will know that I am a human that have a feeling. To tell them stop judging me. Because it is written who judge will be judged.
I’ve spent hours and hours crying. Until somehow I realized that I am not only withdraw myself from people around me, but also from God.
Sad but true. I am disappointed, by them who called themselves Christian.
Jesus also experienced all the bad stuff. Judgments, criticism, He even had to die for our sins. Imagine the pain. I know that my feeling right now is nothing compare to the pain that Jesus had on the cross.
David Hamilton suddenly mentioned that he felt there are people that almost give up the calling during his teaching this morning. He said that there are people in the room that is tired of judgments and criticism from family and friends. Who is almost give up and wondering is it all worth it.
He said that no matter what you feel right now just look at Jesus. Seek Him. Hear Him. He is there with you and He is saying “thank you My daughter”.
I know immediately that the words are for me.
I might be broken right now. But I know that He will fix me. He will fix my broken heart. He will sing me a love song.
And by the end of the day He probably will reveal the reason why I have to get through all this crazy things. But if He doesn't, it doesn’t mean that He love me less. I somehow know that He knows that I am strong enough to handle it.
Now I will try. I will try to be Stephanie again. I will try to talk to the people who hurt me. I forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing.
Because now I realized that no matter what they think about me, it won’t make God love me less. And God knows everything. So I don’t have to try to convince them or to live a life trying to please them.
He is my Helper and my Comforter. He understands when nobody else don't.
I may have wasted energy the past one month or so, and I may have taken everything straight to my heart that I almost feel depressed. Both of these have added into a mixture of "akjshdkjahsdkjagdhabshagsdjh" that set my mood in a not pretty place.
But now I will try to stand up again. To fight the good fight for His glory. To continue pursuing His calling in my life no matter what.
Now I chose to close my ears to what the world say; and open a straigth line to what my Father will say.
And now let the healing process begin.......
Psalm 121:1-81 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from?2 My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth.3 He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;4 indeed, he who watches over Israelwill neither slumber nor sleep.5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;6 the sun will not harm you by day,nor the moon by night.7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;8 the LORD will watch over your coming and goingboth now and forevermore.