"God is not a man that He should lie.. when He makes a promise, He will fulfill." Numbers 23:19
I am pretty exhausted in this whole process of everything I guess. Life is moving fast but slow, life is exciting but sad, God speaks loud, God speaks soft... I am on this teeter todder of emotions and I almost can't handle it anymore! Sometimes my weaknesses out weighs my strength, sometimes my joy out weighs my sorrow. No matter what, it's always a battle. But what happens when you're tired of fighting? What happens when you can no longer withstand the tired less schemes of the enemy?
I went to the embassy last Wednesday with confidence that I will get my visa. That finally after 4 months of fighting and crying and believing, I will get my visa and I'm ready to do my bible school. But then my heart broken into pieces when I found out I still can't get that visa. They asked me to show them my own bank statement with some amount of money that I don't have. I went home crying, weeping, sobbing. That moment I thought I don't have any hope to continue everything. That maybe I misheard God. That maybe this is not His promises. That maybe I was just dreaming.
I asked the Lord this, and you know what He told me??!?!!?! To keep fighting! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Do you know how frustrating that is? Does life ever get easy? Did I sign up to be in this battle? Well... Yes, I actually did.
He told me to keep fighting. He told me to not lose hope. He told me to wait and believe in His promises. He told me to have faith in Him and trust Him.
Though it's easy to say I have faith, it's different to actually have faith, and to say I trust the Lord, and actually have trust in the Lord are also two completely different things. I started to worry that my lack of faith was what keeping me from seeing the promises of God. I also started to feel guilty that I would even doubt God. But that is where I was, and sadly I feel I may still be there.
But then I realized that when I doubt God, I no longer have any place to put my trust. I must put my trust in Him and rebuke any doubt. You can't doubt God and trust Him at the same time, just as you can't be angry with God and still go to Him for comfort. I have to make a conscious effort to TRUST and not DOUBT. To have faith in Him.
God is going to finish what He started, even though the waters got to be parted. Lift up your head and don't be brokenhearted, God is going to finish what He started in you.
I still have 3 weeks to fight for this visa. And that 3 weeks is A LOT of time for God to do His work. I do believe in His mighty power. That there is no scheme of the enemy that God hasn't already defeated. I love that God tells us that "the joy of the Lord is our strength". And with this joy I do believe that He will fight with me.
And I want to share with you this letter. A reminder of His love.
To My precious child,
I wish you could see things the way that I see them. I wish you knew how tightly I truly hold you in My hands. I really have you on the forefront of My mind. I have sent My Spirit to be with you in time of crises and in time of desperation. I saw you cry. So badly I wanted to wrap My arms around you and wipe every tear from your eyes. I was with you, I am with you.
I know you struggle with the circumstances of life. Trust Me, this is not how I wanted your life to go. But, I will fulfill My promise; you will have life, and life to the fullest. You will soar, and you will have victory. When I created you, I created you with a purpose. I can't wait for you to see what I have for you, I just can't wait!!
I see you struggling, I see you trying to create an end to the madness. But don't be afraid for I am with you. I will never leave you, nor forsake you. You can tryst me with your life. I created you, I will protect you. If you could only see the process, and see the outcome you wouldn't give up. Not yet. You're so close, you're so close.
Satan wants nothing less than for you to hate Me. Don't forget that. He hates everything that is good. I am turning what he intended for evil into something greater that you could ever imagine. That's why you can't see the outcome of this, because it isn't fathomable. It's really that great!! I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to give you a HOPE and FUTURE! Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I would never harm you. You are too precious to Me! This is only a season of your life. This isn't going to define your life, this is only going to be the beginning of what is truly life. Oh the plans that I have in store for those that love Me.
Seek Me with your whole heart. I have not hidden Myself from you. I am always here, and I have been with you from the beginning. Oh My precious child, how much I love you. I got this. Rest in My arms, I am worthy to be trusted. I know you're tired, just lean up against me and breathe.. take a moment and breathe. Feel My love for you.
I haven't forgotten you. I will fulfill the promises for your life. Greater tings are still to come.
Love, your Heavenly Father.
There's a God whose been faithful to me. When my strength was all gone, when my heart had no song.. Still in love, He's proved faithful to me. Every word He's promised is true. What I thought was impossible, I've seen my God do.
O Father, You have lifted my head. Your glory will be shown through this trial.