That is my biggest revelation today.
Today I am exactly where I need to be in my one wild and precious life.
To be at home with my mama and my little brother, it is exactly where I need to be. And I say this not just because of the quote, but it's truly a revelation.
I love being at home, but not more than 2 weeks. But right now, I've been here for 33 days a.k.a more than 4 weeks and I was so desperate to go. I thought I came here only for visa, nothing else. But then when everything didn't work as I wanted, I was forced to stay longer than I planned. And it's hard.
Why is it so hard, Steph? Why is it so hard to stay in your own country? Well, its kinda love-hate relationship. I love my country when I am away but then I hate it when I spend to much time in my country. Why so? Well, I think it's all because all of my past and all the stories behind it. And I don't feel really used by God here. Hmm... feeling. Feeling can deceive you.
I spent hours and days crying asking God to send me away as soon as possible. I tried to do all the things that relate to Christianity and outreaches but I just don't feel as whole as I supposed to feel. Instead I feel so lonely, worried, angry, nervous, selfish. I am so ready to go.
That's when He said:
Stephanie, when you're lonely, worried, nervous, selfish, angry.. it has to do with you and Me.
It has nothing to do with other people or in which country you are right now. It has only to do with you and Me.
I am speechless.
I am blessed. I am fed, clothed and sheltered. I am loved. I have family. I have life. I am recipient of the greatest gift in the universe. I have everything. I know this. What is wrong with me?
I cried. How ungrateful I am. So many people out there wishing that they have a family, wishing that they can go back to their homeland, wishing that they can feel the warmth of their parents. And me, what am I doing? Just complaining all the time. Asking God why I have to be here, asking God if He is around and aware of my feelings, asking God if He cares.
He do cares. That's why He let me stay for a while here in Jakarta, to enjoy it. To be with my family. To meet and hang out with my old friends where I can share and laugh at all the memories of my childhood. To be able to speak and understand 100 percent of the language. To be able to eat all the familiar food. To go out and ride motorbike. To just be at home.
This is the life that He gave me. This is the journey that I am taking with Him. And today I am exactly where I need to be in my one wild and precious life.
So are you. Look around you. You are exactly where you need to be in your one wild and precious life.
Remember that you cannot turn back time. You can't even go back to the second that's just passed. Embrace it, cherish it with whoever around you. Don't say you have nobody. Look deeper.. You have Him.
Have faith. Believe that you are where you are right now for some reason. No matter how you got there--because God took you there or because you've been astray, He is able to make it into a wonderful and precious.
And for me right now, I am going to grab some snacks and watching TV with my mom and brother. Thanking God that I still have them in my life.