I am just a human with all my weaknesses, just like everybody else. Just yesterday when I felt so down with everything (again), a friend of mine said "I read your blog and I thought you won't feel down anymore."
I was speechless when I heard that. Yes I do have blog and write about faith and strength, but it doesn't mean that I won't feel down anymore at all. Because to be honest, life is hard down here.
It's always a struggle for me to go back home. I don't have that loving family that cherish me when I come home. I don't have a church where I can call my home church. I don't have friends that can help me keep accountable. All I have is people coming to me for consultation, hoping and expecting that I will always encourage them. I don't have that Christian community. Why so? Because right after I became Christian, I left my country. And people down here think that because I am a "missionary" it means I am perfect, my life is perfect. They think that I won't feel sad or down because I am working for God. Tragic.
For the last few days until this morning since I posted my last blog, I felt so lonely. Wait, no, I actually felt a bit.. well okay not a bit.. I actually felt hopeless. I thought I tried all the best that I could.
And this morning God has asked something huge of me; SURRENDER. He's been showing me again the areas of my life that need work. One of the biggest things in my life right now is my plan to do SBS in Kona. And He's asking me to give it to Him. To lay it at His feet, to stop striving and surrender. And again, to let Him pour His love upon me.
I wonder how many of us this applies to? I can't be the only one with a goal, or a dream-what are you striving for?
I don't know that striving in and of itself is a sin, but the striving in my life definitely turned into sin. It turned into "God, I know You know what's best, but I got this. You can trust ME with my life. You have so many others to worry about--I can take care of myself". That has unfortunately become the story of my life: I can take care of my self.
But then it's just giving Satan so much things to put me down. Satan is a schemer. He plans, he strategies, he destroys. He takes what's been and convinces you of what will be. And this time he convinced me that I am a failure. And once you think you're a failure, it's almost impossible to go back and stand up again, not until you let God take the control back.
I tried all my best; with somehow I realized that I've been using my own strength, to get my visa. I thought I paid all the fees, I got all the documents, what else? But then when I didn't get my visa, I was so depressed. It was like the end of the world for me. And then I got up, thought that I'm strong enough. But then I fell again, feeling so hopeless, forgot that God is in control.
And like I said, this morning God has asked me to surrender again to Him. He asked me to lay down all my dreams, stop striving and surrender.
And by laying down all my dreams and hopes to Him, I am learning to be free again. Free from insecurity, free from chains. Secure in Christ.
Though I was shaken to my core, I was not stirred. Did I have a tough time with this? Of course. But I have peace. That peace can only come in times of strife through a loving Savior who is the Prince of all peace.
If you going through it, don't lose heart. God is FOR you! He's not against you! Though these times are hard, do not give up! You can't quit fighting in the middle of the battle. And remember that He is fighting for us.
"For the Lord you God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." Deuteronomy 20:4
Our enemies tried to have us today, but God won. He will try again tomorrow, and probably the next day. But may I say it at the top of my lungs so that it rings as clear as a bell in the enemies ears:
"I KNOW THAT GOD IS FOR ME !!!"
God is for ME. God is for YOU.
Now, lets don't pray that God would remove you from this season, no matter how difficult it is, for that is already apart of His plan. Instead lets pray that you would do this season well. Do it to the best of your ability. Do it for Him. And when you're faced with adversity and caught thinking against the Father, remember that He's the one standing right there next to you saying in the gentlest of voices "Come on, lets keep going. I will carry you if you get tired. I just want you to walk a little bit further." Just like a good daddy teaching his children to stand even when their legs get weak. You can't crawl forever.
If you think walking with the Lord is difficult, just wait till you are running. It's painful, but worth every scar it takes to get there. Those scars become trophies of God's grace. You will be proud of those scars someday. I know I will be proud of it someday.
And now, I am going to rest. Rest in the arms of Jesus, knowing that I am safe and that I can trust Him. I am not giving up, I am letting Him to fight for me. One more try for this visa thingy, and this time I will 100% let Him fight. Not me, but Him. I will follow Him forward, not look back but move ahead. The promise is forward.
God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me!
God is for you. God is for you. God is for you. God is for you. God is for you!
Don't believe the lie. God is for you.
Thank you Father for all that You have done for me. Thank you for loving and dying for me. Thank you Father for loving this wretch and thank you for never giving up on me. I love you Father. Amen.